Habit #1: NO EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

Are you stuck in a pattern of attracting a certain type, and not sure why? Do NOT fret—this is actually more common than you probably realize. Brene Brown, in her research on what compassionate people have in common, found that those who ranked the highest in compassion were the ones who maintained their boundaries.(*) We have to understand how difficult it is to show up compassionately for others (and for ourselves) when they (or we) are violating our boundaries. It makes it hard to connect with yourself, much less to be a healthy, strong, authentic partner to someone else.

I finally connected these dots for myself on this when one of my relationships ended, and I could look back and discern a pattern of non-boundaries that was leading me into toxic relationships. It was humbling for me to finally accept that I had some bad habits. I knew I HAD to face whatever it was inside of me that was attracted to this kind of person.

Little did I know the amount of toxicity I was attracting. Yikes! I shutter at the thought of some of the toxic people and behaviors I tolerated because I simply didn’t understand myself or how to effectively communicate boundaries. It was also a painful process of learning how boundaries are doors, not walls. I had to do the hard work of facing whatever it was inside me that was okay with being mistreated, to finally see real change.

Habit #2: UNPROCESSED PAIN

Sometimes you have to stop numbing from whatever heartbreak you may have experienced in the past, and actually grieve it. What happened was real. You didn’t deserve it, and you are worthy of so much more. But the only way out is through. I have had to learn 7 helpful ways to grieve well, heal deeply, and move on in life so that it only made me better in the end! I can tell you that the grieving really does pass. Once you allow yourself to truly feel it and learn how to grieve well, the pain really does lift. Sometimes you are not even sure why you are in pain. My FREE journal prompt exercise ‘What emotion am I feeling?’ can help you find your underlying emotion, so you can acknowledge it and process through it effectively. Identifying your emotions is much better than all the work involved in constantly stuffing your emotions. Just face the loss fully so you can move on with life and thrive!

Habit #3: Not Realizing My Value
I found, beneath all my patterns and past, that I could not see my own value. When you do not see your own value, you don’t expect anyone else to either. It then becomes much easier to accept toxic behavior. You cannot wait around for someone else to value you as the permission you need to value yourself. You will attract what you are, so it’s important to see your value and walk in it.

I have also learned to not limit this view to romantic relationships. I apply this same insight to nearly every type of relationship, including work, family, and friendships. It's about choosing healthy, feeling safe, and living whole in every area of your life.