‘GIRL, MOVE ON’ SERIES

6 Signs He is Emotionally Unavailable

A man is not going to emotionally show up for you if he is not showing up for himself. It’s really that simple. He has to do the inner work to know how to care for himself before he will ever know how to tend to your needs, let alone even care. We are not looking for boys to mother, we are looking for men who are emotionally mature.

I learned this the hard way. But I am so grateful I learned it. I know TOO MANY women who married men that are emotionally stuck in boyhood. Men who never did the hard work to learn true leadership over their emotional lives, who still seek a mother-like figure to nurture them.

This is a pitfall for women, because we are nurturers by nature. But it’s a trap. It’s a weight we were never meant to carry outside of actual motherhood alone. It leads to a lot of pressure for a woman to prop up a man, as he emotionally leans on her to soothe his greater insecurities. Both will usually go down with the ship. It’s not worth it.

I tried to prove my love in my toxic relationships in every way I could. I tried to learn love languages, Enneagram, attachment styles, Myers-Briggs, etc. I fought so hard to try and understand their needs/wants so they would feel understood and respected. I continually showed kindness and loyalty in every way I could. But no matter how hard I tried, it seemed like I could never find the mystery of who ‘he’ really was.
I would pursue connection, but his heart felt distant each day. It felt like a slow death. 

HAVE YOU EVER HIT A WALL LIKE THIS IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Sometimes you can’t always spot it because you genuinely have a great time with them in other ways. Luckily, I didn’t stick around in those relationships, but the impact they had on me has taught me that you can easily spot the signs early on too…

6 RED-FLAGS that signal EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY:

1. Emotional highs/lows, and numbness in between

We all have bad days. But keep an eye out for dysfunctional patterns. A healthy emotional expression will still come with complexities and the dynamics of our humanity. It’s a beautiful thing when we can experience joy, grief, fear, and love and express it in front of other people. But if all you see from your partner is anger and depression, or hype and hopelessness, that is unhealthy. Those varying levels of intense emotion are revealing emotional dysregulation.

2. Reactive/short fuse

This is a lack of emotional maturity. Ideally, growth and self-regulation would be taught by a parent during childhood, but if that doesn’t happen then it still becomes the responsibility of every adult to learn how to effectively manage themselves. Because no one else but you can be responsible for knowing how to calm down.

3. No boundaries between work/life

This is a recipe for lack of emotional output for anyone. How can you show up for anyone when you do not know the capacity you have to even give yourself? A deeper question I would start to ask beyond this is how you are getting filled up to show up for work/life? Because this looks like the road to burnout within yourself, let alone burnout in a relationship with someone else.

4. Lack of emotional validation

This is the empathic connection you make with others when they share something difficult. It’s one thing to be a great listener, but how do you show that you’re emotionally connecting to their experience? That is emotional intimacy. Are you with them in their sadness, or are you frustrated at having to listen? Are you able to feel their happiness and celebrate with them, or are you just getting through the conversation?? 
I believe this is one of the most powerful tools to create safety in relationships. Read examples in my 20 Emotionally Validating Statements.

5. Lack of intentionality in emotional pursuit

When you share about your day, or tell a story, do they ask deeper questions? Because that requires emotional capacity to listen to whatever depth you might share. No questions asked means low or no capacity to go deeper.

6. No emotional ownership

Can they identify their own emotions and take responsibility? Or do they blame you for stressing them out when you are feeling anxious about something? That is NOT about you, but rather their lack of emotional responsibility, which at the root is from a lack of self-awareness. You can’t count on a partner to connect with you if he is not even aware of himself.


GIRL, YOUR WORTH MORE. MOVE ON!

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